A feeble attempt and something real:

Today I will write about yesterday. When I say yesterday I mean no subject at all. That just sounded like a really swell way to get your attention.

PAST:

I have realized that when I was younger I lived a relatively unhappy life. On the outside I looked like a fun, content, well rounded boy. On the inside I was a fucking mess. Always wondering what I should do next, Where I should go, what will happen to me, etc. I dated fun, sweet, nice girls. I played sports (and was good at it.) I even went on trips and shit while all the while being filled with questions about who I am and where I was going. I made some enemies because I lied. I lied because I had no clue what the truth is (in a literal and metaphorical since.) And made enemies out of people I would have really liked to stay friends with.

PRESENT:

Today I don't lie. Period. I realized that lurking inside of me (and most people) is a person that would do things that most people aren't proud of. I decided that instead of lying to myself and everyone and trying to make them believe I was a good person I was just gonna be who I am, faults and all. I made up my mind that if you don't like me you can go fuck yourself and leave me alone. It's better that we don't get to involved because then we will end up lying to each other to make one another like each other (does that make fucking since at all) and then the truth will come out and we will inevitably hate one another or fight.

I do great things now honestly. I back the Bloggess Army (if you don't know what it is read my other blog posts.) I donate to charity, have amazing friends, date cool girls, and heathenize with minimum guilt. It's a great life.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Just be honest.

Thank you for reading and have an honest day (faults and all.)

If you are bitter... SHUT UP!

It is my humble (and accurate) opinion that if you are mad at the world, bitter, or just full of hate you have three options:

1. Turn it into kick ass comedy and make a contribution to society.

2. Change your outlook/attitude on life.

3. Suck it up and Shut your mouth!

It's your fault life isn't working out the way you want it to. I can say this because every proactive person I know is both happy, and they have achieved some measure of success in life. Bad things happen to good people, we all make mistakes and messes. This being said, if your way of handling the lemons life hands you is to cut 'em in half and suck one down while simultaneously smashing the other half in some one's face you should probably grow up some and learn to have some fun.

The real fact of the matter is there are some catastrophic things that will happen in your life that you will have zero control over in any way, shape or form. Complaining makes you feel better about it. Complaining is totally OK (I'm complaining right now.) Harboring a ridiculous amount of anger and taking it out on everyone or harboring tons of bitterness and just gossiping horrible things behind some one's back is ridiculous.

Just learn to laugh off the inevitable and clean up the messes. Move forward and be nice. I know it's fair to say that if you are bitter you aren't making life any easier on yourself and you are destroying any chance of growing your social circle because grumpy people suck!

This blog post just made me a social genius. You're welcome society.

Why Sundays should just fall off the week

Every week as soon as I wake up on Sunday I want to die. You see, I work as a retail sales manager for a frickin' huuuuuuge company. If you have ever worked in any industry that has to deal with the consumer on Sunday you know that they can be down right evil

It never fails on Sunday. People are usually angry, grumpy, rude and tired. You get to try and help them solve all of the problems that have accumulated over the week while simultaneously being ear raped by every problem going on in there life. The reality of it all is that like your employees on Sunday you also wanna be useless and recover from a monster hangover you got from doing tequila body shots off of your hot bartender, best (opposite gendered) friend who has a secret crush on you or, depending on your level of intoxication, everyone else in the bar (I warned you when we started this I was a damn heathen.)

My suggestion: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday


If I had two Saturdays the week would kick a considerable amount of ass. Friday and our first Saturday would consist of doing everything you possibly can to get permanently banned from both Heaven and Hell and the second Saturday would be used for complete recovery so that Monday would be fresh.

I'm pretty sure if I don't get what I want I will meet up with PrincessOfForks and get stabby on whoever invented Sunday.

That will be all thank you.

How charitable giving and hating people go hand in hand

So, we wait in anticipation for the first ever Bloggess Army charity drive to begin. If you aren't a follower of mine on twitter then you will have no idea what I am talking about so read this "And in Zion We Rejoice" #icantfuckingbelieveit , all of it. Then follow me here: Shameless self promotion.



I am not sure what Mayopie (the Bloggess Army leader) is planning so I will take some time to offer advice on charitable giving.

1. The receipt they give you is not so that if you are unhappy with your donation you can get your money back.


2. Monetary donations are tax deductions (I am not a tax lawyer and therefore really know nothing about tax law.) However, I should probably mention that if you are poor in the first place you should hold a charity drive for yourself before you donate to someone else. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure being broke isn't a good enough reason to hold a charity drive (unless you have a disease) or else I and millions of others would have tried to take your money already. I am broke. "Nuff" said.


3. At the expense of more nonsense about a subject I know almost nothing about go here: PrincessOfForks for good tips on making affordable donations from a good twitter friend of mine.

Now on to a topic I know something about: Hate...

As you can probably imagine there are a few people that hate me. It just so happens that one of 'em showed up at my house last night so that this morning you guys would have something interesting (I hope) to read.

I was on the phone with an old friend at 4am after a long night of drinking and being a complete heathen. In my debauched state my doorbell begins to ring incessantly so I'm all, "who the hell is gonna die tonight?" Throw on some jeans and run downstairs to see Someone from a long time ago parked outside with two of his "homies" ready to get angry and attempt to verbally abuse me. He's all, "you're a liar and a fake" and I'm all, "no." This is pretty much the only word I could pronounce after the night of shots, beers, and heathenizing. After a ridiculous drunken back and fourth so loud my neighbors neighbors would hear us from a few hundred of miles away (exaggeration.) he told me to admit he was a better man than I am and I said, "uhhhhh." Again you have to consider the stupor I was in coupled with the shock of this shit actually happening. Then I'm like, "fuck this" and proceed to ask, "what are you trying to accomplish?" He asks me what kind of person I am and I tell him a good one. He walks away, jumps in his car and drives off. No more words.

Conclusion: I win without saying one English word properly except the word no.

Lesson learned: You will win any fight if you wait long enough, are tired enough and pronounce everything so that no one understands a damn thing you say except no.

I wouldn't advise blogging about these sort of things like I just did because innevitably this will get back to him and he will get angry again and probably come and beat me up. He does know where I live (see I write for you and probably die for you which pretty much guarantees no matter how much of a fake or liar I am, I'm going to heaven.)

Glad I could be of service.